The Milonguero Way Redux

This topic has come up again recently and so I thought I'd repost this from April 2010:

I am a "professional" dancer because I teach tango and get paid for exhibitions. But I wouldn't be a pro here in Buenos Aires if it weren't for my partner, Ruben Aybar. He is the draw. He is the Argentine who spent most of his life in the milongas, who lives and breathes and sings the tango. He is the teacher that students admire, adore and try to emulate.

Foreign dancers especially love getting to know a milonguero like Ruben and hearing his stories and dance secrets that otherwise they wouldn't be able to do, particularly if they don't speak Castellano.

Ruben wasn't always a professional dancer; he used to work in television until the crisis of 2001. He was passionate about his job, traveled all over Argentina working, and danced tango every night for the love of it.

Now tango is his job. He earns his livelihood from tango. It's now more than pleasure; it's work--which he enjoys. He teaches, does taxi dancing, and gives historical Tango Tours of Buenos Aires.

Sometimes this puts him in a difficult situation with friends at the milongas we go to for enjoyment and socializing. (We also go to milongas for work when we do milonga accompaniment.)

Foreign women friends expect that Ruben will dance with them. Sometimes he does. But if not, sometimes they outright ask him to dance, which puts him in a bad place as it does with all milongueros. For one thing, milongueros don't like to be invited, nor do they want to refuse a lady, and for another, if he danced with all the women who wanted him to, what about me? What about our social evening together? We are at Los Consagrados or Chiqué to enjoy ourselves.

The macho milongueros of Argentina do not like to be put in an awkward position they didn't choose. I've seen men refusing a woman forever because she once asked him to dance. Don't do it, ladies. If you want to invite men to dance, stay in your own countries/milongas; don't try it in the traditional Buenos Aires milongas where the cabeceo rules. The men want to decide when and with whom to dance, as well as how to embrace and lead their partner. (If a woman wants to invite, she should lead as well and there are several alternative milongas in Buenos Aires where she can.)

Ruben will always dance one tanda with current students. It's part of their education and he likes to check their progress. And he will bend over backward to make sure the friends sitting at our table get their drink orders, are comfortable, and have a great time at the milonga.

But there are friends who expect dances with Ruben at the same time they are telling me they are taking classes at DNI, or Canning, or expensive privates with Maximiliano Superstar. They ask me to "tell" Ruben to dance with them! Ruben owns his own dance. (I do not give him orders.) Read more here.

They expect him to give it away for free. They forget that the tango is what he has to sell.

Do these same people ask for free consultations from doctors and lawyers at social gatherings back home?

Ruben is a low-profile real milonguero, not a stage dancer who tours the world giving classes and making a big name for himself and who no one's ever seen at a milonga. Ruben is in Buenos Aires every week of the year dancing in the milongas, as he's done for the past 30 years. All the women want to dance with him and all of the men want to dance like him. But he is a professional. Friendly, affable, funny, and fun as well. And available for classes and milonga accompaniment.

I wish the women would remember that at the milongas.

The Laws of Tango BA Podcast

BA Cast's Fernando y Daniel are back with their fun podcasts, and this time it's the first of a three part bilingual documentary on the tango: The Laws of Tango: Dance.

 Soon to follow are Music, and then Lyrics & Philosophy.

Ruben and I, Cyrena and Lizzy, as well as Brit Tango Bob were interviewed in their studio, and they even went to Los Consagrados to talk to various "milonga characters."


I hope you will tune in to this informative and sometimes wacky podcast in Spanglish. And while you're on the site, sample some of their previous shows. You'll learn something and get a chuckle as well.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Sometimes you wanna go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name
                                --Theme song of Cheers! (American TV series set in a bar in Boston,   1982-1993)


I especially "wanna be where everyone knows my name" because I live in a foreign country and my home and family are far, far away. I think we all want to be at Cheers! at certain times. So it's a great pleasure for me to walk into a milonga in Buenos Aires and feel at home.
Since I tend to go to the same milongas week after week for years, like most of the other habitués, we kiss each other hello (not goodbye), sit in the same chairs at the same tables, and watch each other get older. It's comfortable and wonderful.

Still, not everyone knows my name or me theirs. When we buy our ticket at the door, we check our personal lives, our worries, and our aches and pains with our coats, and enter the milonga where all that matters is the dancing.

It's traditional that between tangos during the time for chatting, we only speak impersonally (if we follow the codigos.) We never talk about what we or others do for a living, marital status, housing and living arrangements. We speak about the weather, the music, whether the milonga is crowded tonight, and perhaps give our first name. But often as not, we don't remember everyone's actual names and instead greet each other with, Hola, linda! or Que pasa, flaca? or Todo bien, jefe?

So perhaps everyone doesn't know my name, but still I am home in the milonga.

Thursdays at Nuevo Chique

More On the Codigos

 

Due to much interest in this topic and a debate on Facebook, I'm reposting the links to my previous blog posts on The Codigos.

Those Mysterious Milonga Codes

More Milonga Etiquette

The Milonguero Way

Please remember that this is my perspective from Buenos Aires, and that I only attend traditional milongas. I believe the codigos are fantastic for many reasons, among them that the woman alone feels safe and in charge of her evening. The codigos were developed over a very long time for very good reasons. If some people don't like them or don't want to respect them, no problem; they can stay in their own countries or just attend the "alternative" milongas here that cater to young foreigners. There is not just one way to dance tango, nor is there just one kind of milonga, thank goodness. To each his own.

Those Mysterious Milonga Codes

Most tango dancers around the world have heard of the "codigos" (unwritten rules of the milongas in Buenos Aires) and know a little bit about the cabeceo, or the head-nod invitation to dance. Also, at many international tango festivals there is discussion about the line of dance, la ronda, and how leaders need to manage it, which is also covered by the codigos. These two aspects are the most well known of the milonga codes.

But do you know that there are more than forty codigos of how to behave, from when you enter the milonga until you leave? There is etiquette to cover every situation (before it becomes a "situation").

Many foreign tangueros don't know or care about "old-fashioned" rules from a time and culture gone by. But the Argentines have been dancing tango in Buenos Aires for 150 years and have figured out a few things about how to conduct themselves at a milonga. The tried and true codigos are for everyone's benefit.

Tourist dancers in Buenos Aires sometimes rebel and want to act as they are used to at milongas in their countries. But out of respect for tradition, the local tangueros, and the tango itself, it behooves one to learn and follow at least the most important of the codigos while dancing in the traditional milongas of Buenos Aires.

I'm not going to list them here, because you can find the "rules" elsewhere on the web. Suffice it to say they are all about common courtesy. Here are some sites that discuss the codigos: La Milonga (español), Tango Chose Me,
 Tips for Cabeceo Success, Crossroads, and once more a great article from Tango and Chaos--All the Meat on the Fire.

The Milonguero Way

I am a "professional" dancer because I teach tango and get paid for exhibitions. But I wouldn't be a pro here in Buenos Aires if it weren't for my partner. He is the draw. He is the Argentine who spent most of his life in the milongas, who lives and breathes and sings the tango. We work very well together, but if it weren't for me, he could also work well with someone else who has the same tango point of view.

Foreign dancers especially love getting to know a milonguero and hearing his stories and dance secrets that otherwise they wouldn't be able to do, particularly if they don't speak Castellano.

Ruben wasn't always a professional dancer; he used to work in television until the crisis of 2001. He was passionate about his job, traveled all over Argentina working, and danced tango every night for the love of it.

Now tango is his job. He earns his livelihood from tango. It's now more than pleasure; it's work--which he enjoys. He teaches, does taxi dancing, and gives historical Tango Tours of Buenos Aires.

Sometimes this puts him in a difficult situation with friends at the milongas we go to for enjoyment and socializing. (We also go to milongas for work when we do milonga accompaniment.)

Foreign women friends expect that Ruben will dance with them. Sometimes he does. But if not, sometimes they outright ask him to dance, which puts him in a bad place as it does with all milongueros. For one thing, milongueros don't like to be invited, nor do they want to refuse a lady, and for another, if he danced with all the women who wanted him to, what about me? What about our social evening together? We are at Los Consagrados or Chiqué to enjoy ourselves.

He will always dance one tanda with current students. It's part of their education and he likes to check their progress. And he will bend over backward to make sure our friends get their drink orders, are comfortable, and help them have a great time at the milonga.

But there are friends who expect dances with Ruben at the same time they are telling me they are taking classes at DNI, or El Beso, or expensive privates with Maximiliano Superstar. They ask me to "tell" Ruben to dance with them! Ruben owns his own dance. (I do not give him orders.) Read more here.

They expect him to give it away for free. They forget that the tango is what he has to sell.

Do these same people ask for free consultations from doctors and lawyers at social gatherings back home?

Ruben is a low-profile real milonguero, not a stage dancer who tours the world giving classes and making a big name for himself. He's in Buenos Aires every week of the year dancing in the milongas, as he's done for the past 30 years. All the women want to dance with him and all of the men want to dance like him. But he is a professional. Friendly, affable, funny, and fun as well. And available for classes and milonga accompaniment.

I wish the women would remember that at the milongas.

What NOT to Wear to a Milonga Part II

Quite some time has passed since I last posted on this topic. Since then I've seen a few reminders of What NOT to Wear to a Milonga so I'll just post them for your viewing edification.




On a young and skinny performing dancer, this very short skirt, fishnets, and lots of "tango" accessories might work. But on this lady, it definitely didn't, since she had none of those qualities.
































The lady in white certainly had her own style, sort of a Snow Queen vibe going on. The outfit might have been alright if the dress hadn't been transparent, if she'd lost the hat, and worn white shoes to match the tights. And if her posture were better, she might get away with the whole look.


This fishnet photo below just serves as a warning: if your legs are less than gorgeous, don't call attention to them. But the secret to fishnets is--wear nude tights underneath.

Milonga Codes: Respecting Others

Ruben and I had a great time last night in our favorite milonga, Los Consagrados. There were more than 20 people at our big table, and it was a joy to be with so many good friends.

But. And oh how I hate to write this. There were a couple of problems that made us anxious. What we want most on these Saturday nights, is for everyone to have a wonderful evening. Sometimes, however, it's out of our control, yet we feel responsible.

No biggie. But while we've more or less "trained" our friends to tell us in advance that they would like to come and sit with us so that we can save them space so that everyone is comfortable, and while they've learned to pay for their own drinks and snacks (however much we'd like to treat everybody), still there can be glitches when people aren't aware of the milonga codigos or possible problems. (I realize however that the ones who offend are not likely to read blogs like this one.)

Ruben always calls Enrique, the organizer, the day before to tell him how large our party will be. And then he goes early on Saturday to make sure there are enough of the new chairs at our table, because the old ones snag clothes and stockings. We both want all of our friends to be comfortable and have fun.

Nevertheless, there are things that people need to remember:

It's not possible to sit wherever you wish. If people have made advance reservations, and then friends of friends are invited to join the group at the table at the last minute, then the people who have "reserved" don't have a space.

If you have reserved and come late, then you can't choose your seat. Last night someone just plopped herself down in a friend's seat and refused to move.

Ruben and I feel SO bad if everyone at our table doesn't have a good time. Again, we feel responsible. Most of the time it's foreigners who don't know anything about the milonga codigos. In other countries people can act however they want to in a milonga. But in Buenos Aires it's different. Codes must be respected, at least in the conservative milongas that we like to attend.

More Milonga Etiquette

On the heels of my last post is this one about more milonga etiquette.

Once again, this is a lapse of the codigos that rule in the milongas of Buenos Aires. The milongas de la tarde are more formal and conservative than some of the late-nighters which at times border on free-for-alls (La Viruta, for example.)

And also once again it's an error only committed by foreign ladies, never Argentinas.

The first time it happened I couldn't believe my eyes. A woman comes to the table to ask Ruben to dance! (and he's sitting with me).

This puts him in a terrible position. Please think about it, ladies. He's a gentleman, he doesn't want to deny a lady anything, it goes against the grain of a caballero. So maybe he doesn't like the music of this tanda, maybe it's music that Ruben and I particularly enjoy dancing together (D'Arienzo, Calo, great milongas), maybe he's tired and wants to drink his champagne, maybe he has two or three students yet to dance with.

If you watch Ruben you will see that he doesn't dance a lot, nor do I.

And a little tip: the milongueros here like to be the pursuer, the conquistador, not the prey. I hear their comments about aggressive women, and they are completely turned off. Even if they would have enjoyed dancing with someone when they chose to, if they "have" to, then it's a chore.

And what woman wants to be in the same league as taking out the trash?

A Difficult Post About Personal Responsibility

The people who should read this post probably won't. The ones I'm talking about for sure don't read tango blogs. So the rest of you should rest easy. And as a matter of fact, you might as well just skip on over to the next post as what I'm about to say doesn't apply to you.

So as much as it pains me to write about this delicate and sensitive topic, I have to, if only to just put it out there. Maybe it might help someone sometime to gain some awareness.

It's a problem in the milongas ever since I've danced tango in Buenos Aires. I know the lay of the land. I know that if I drink so much as a water at a milonga I need to pay for it. But how many times have I sat with unknown foreign women who just gathered up their shoes and left me with their bill? And women I didn't even know, who just happened to be sitting next to me.

And now that Ruben and I have a big table at Los Consagrados and extend an open invitation to everyone who cares to join us, this syndrome of forgetting to pay for consummations is multiplied. Last night were two who forgot, and it wasn't just water, but food and double espressos. I know it's only forgetting because they are distracted by the milonga and where they are going to next, and don't mean to "run out on the check." They are very nice women. (The funny thing is that it's always tourist women, not men, and not locals, who are all too aware of having to pay.)

I'm sure they never thought about what happens if they forget to cover their check, but it's the waitress who has to pay out of her tips.

Or if it's at our table, Ruben pays, so as to not stiff the waitress.
Those of us last night who were left at the table at the end of the milonga had a pow-wow, and it was decided that I (ME!) had to ask each and every person at our table when they left the milonga if they had paid their check. Ruben and I usually order a bottle of champagne, but people forget that the price should be shared if they drink a glassfull. Last night our group went through two bottles, but some didn't think about who was paying.

Any suggestions for me out there? I HATE this! If I could, I would invite everybody and pay for everybody (which we always do when it's Ruben's or my birthday). But we can't do it every week, as much as we'd love to. But we will never stiff the waitress.

I'm having fun too, dancing, and talking to everyone, and I don't want to be the check monitor.
Please help!

Miss Cherie's Advice to Ladies On How To Present Yourself at a Milonga

SI! to the pretty pose on the left, NO! NO!! to the photo at the right

Tina Tangos' blog has some do and don't photos that are worth a hundred words: http://tinatangos.wordpress.com/

And now that we know how to sit when we get there, here's Miss Cherie's advice on how to successfully crash a milonga in Buenos Aires;

I enter the dance hall alone. Wearing a simple black dress, I pull out all the stops for a dramatic arrival, sweeping through the crowd behind the maitre d’ to a table on the edge of the dance floor. I walk tall and straight as if I were the headliner on stage at the Follies Bergeres. I make sure everyone sees me. If I had a full length fur, I’d drag it on the floor behind me. Then I cross my legs (see photos) being careful to show my thighs, and fan myself with a red Spanish fan.

I look around the room for partners with expectation and animation, seeking the eyes of men I would like to dance with. I’ve already changed into my tango shoes in the lobby or the taxi. I’m ready to dance and it shows. The only time I leave my table is to accept an invitation to dance or to go to the ladies’ room. Waiters bring my drinks, and there is no table hopping. When a stranger asks me to dance, I immediately am enclosed in his intimate embrace as if we were exchanging a loving hug, my arm around his neck, his breath on my cheek. Where am I?

You can be sure it’s not in the United States.

argentine tango